Last night I should have been sawing logs, but instead I was wide awake with my heart racing as I thought of my long "to-do" list that has been hovering over me for... awhile.
Maybe it was just the espresso I had in the afternoon...
Or maybe it was just jitters over my new commitments that start up this week...
But the stress I felt was real, and it was mostly the cause of self-sabotage.
What I mean is that as I attempt to accomplish a small task (i.e. change the ink cartridges in our printer), I allow small hurdles (i.e. not knowing how to open the printer) keep me from moving forward with the task (we've been out of ink for months).
The hurdle paralyzes me. Why? I have no idea. But for some reason, rather than ask for help (i.e. "babe, can you show me how to open the printer?), I stress over the fact that we don't have ink, AND that I don't know how to open the printer. I have even used the phrase "I'm so stupid" in this process.
Finally last night, I let out my frustration, confessed my paralysis, discussed the hurdles, and allowed Mr. San Antonio to act as CEO and give me (the self-titled COO) some encouragement and direction.
We started by labeling all the non-truths in my thinking (i.e. I'm NOT stupid). And then addressed the specific issues (i.e. Mr. SA opened the printer). And finally we talked about the root of the problem.
Not that we figured out some profound insight. I sure hope you weren't expecting one...
But I did ponder the fact that this is the first time in my life when I haven't had someone else giving me deadlines for things. No teacher telling me when assignments are due. No boss telling me when a project needs to be completed. It's just me directing my day - deciding what is highest priority, and what needs to be delegated to others (others? can I delegate things to Claire yet?).
Today has been totally stress free (even though it has been non-stop busy).
Maybe it's because Mr. SA used his CEO title to give me deadlines for all the tasks I was stressed about.
Maybe it's because I set my alarm a little early this morning and spent some time with God before the day got started.
Maybe it's because I'm focusing on truths (i.e. some things are more important than ink cartridges, and I am capable of changing the ink cartridge when the time is right).
One thing I know for sure - no more espresso in the afternoon.
The Pampered Bird